2:39 p.m. - 2008-05-22
A day without meds is like one's brains on a rollercoaster
Ooops... forgot to take my meds yesterday.
It's so much fun to deal with "the loops" all day and night. Fortunately I had mindless time consuming nonsense to deal with at work so no one knew the difference. Also, without the speed, I was a bit distracted.

Alas...
I keep thinking I want to change my meds. The real reason is that the main antidepressant which works wonderfully at keeping my mood up, is also very effective at chemical castration too. There are times I'd like a normal sex drive again. As it is, I have a very difficult time maintaining interest due to not very much physical pleasure and response.

My head felt like it was doing flips all day so I couldn't tell you if I had any different sexual feeling/response or not. It was only one day, so who knows.

The wife is truly ambivalent about sex. Physically she enjoys it VERY much. She explodes and explodes and explodes with delight. But, due to a very unfortunate occurence in her early 20's she has some extreme reluctance to think sexually.

So she's conflicted. With her confliction and my affliction we rarely experience sex. sigh... This was going to be my Topic A at our last couples counseling session but we were taken up by events that the wife thought Our Counselor had overtaxed her with the demand that she just do it and throw the party I'd always wanted but never had. Ergo, the wife felt overwhelmed and unsupported. This along with The Best Friend, who was going to help lots & lots, travelling to the opposite ends of the earth for the week prior to the big day, the wife was again left without support.

So my chipper announcement to Our Counselor about how wonderful the party was and how wonderful the wife was to do so much for me turned into a tearful destruction of most of the great feelings I had accrued with finally having a great birthday party, with friends I loved, and wonderful yadda-yadda... At which point I felt the proverbial rug being yanked away beneath me and the dreaded thoughts of not Deserving a Great Birthday Party because it was Just Too Much for the wife came rumbling through my psyche. Let's just say that we never got around to the topic of sex that day.

Good news about all that is despite all the surprise, dreaded thoughts, and emotional upheaval I was able to Make It Stop. Yup. I just decided, "Make It Stop". I don't want to feel miserable about this.

It was amazing. It was so novel it felt almost weird. There I was in the midst of an all encompassing depressed crying jag, feeling absolutely devastated that all the good I'd accomplished was an ephemeral dream, and the delightful rewards of my party were false, when I decided that feeling THAT BAD wasn't what I really wanted. So... I decided to Not feel that bad. It worked.

Within a minute I'd stopped crying. I could accept intellectually and deeply emotionaly that I was okay, the party was fine, the wife could have used more help if I'd only known... I felt fine.

Of course, being as depressed as I had just been is exhausting regardless of how easily I came out of it. But I wasn't depressed. Yay me.

My shrink agrees. I "Got it". Yay me!

So... It really sucks when my lack of taking my meds whacks me out so. Do I really want to go through the ordeal of changing?

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